how to deal with the TV license people in Ireland

So my future husband, Ben and I apparently got a letter from the Irish TV license people. They would like us to pay them money to watch their shitty shitty shitty shitty shitty Irish TV.. all four channels of it. Now, we do own a TV, which is pretty much a more glorified dvd player than my laptop.. because.. we don't watch TV. If we do watch TV it's on my laptop on www.surfthechannel.com, check it out.

Anyway, apparently there are these TV inspector people who come to your house to find out if you have a TV and then give you a ticket if you don't pay your fees. Ben and I had a long conversation about how this will go and we came up with a few scenarios.

1.) TV inspector guy (i don't know what they're called) comes to door:

me: who is it?
dude: TV inspector
me: *laughs* are you a cop?
dude: no
me: so you expect me, a helpless female to open the door to my house to let you in? fuck off.

2.) *knock knock*
me: *open door*
guy: Do you have a tv
me: *touch ear, do sign language*
guy: talks until he gets the idea that im deaf

3.) *knock knock*
me: *open door*
guy: do you have a tv?
me: no... I'm blind

4.) *knock knock*
me: *open door*
guy: hi I'm the TV duder guy do you have a tv?
me: no.
guy: can i come in and look around?
me: umm.. are you a cop?
guy: no
me: do you have a warrant?
guy: no
me: get bent, asshole

5.) *knock knock*
me: open door
guy: hi, im the TV asshole, do you have a tv?
me: no
guy: can i come in?
me: im going to have to call someone and see if you're legit, i hope you understand, can i have a number to call
guy: *gives number*
me: *go into house, watch tv for thirty minutes (loudly), go back to door* .... sorry dude, they have no idea who you are. *slam door*

6.) *knock knock*
ben: *open door*
guy: im the tv douche bag, let me in your house even though i have no real authority to come in im a douche douche douche.
ben (in irish): I only conduct business in irish (in ireland they HAVE to do everything in irish if you request it and barely anyone speaks it).

then.. if the guy speaks irish ben is going to say "sorry dude, i don't speak irish"

lame entry, i know.. but being from america, the idea that someone would just let a tv inspector in their house to come look around escapes me.. "yeah, you can come in, but i get to follow you around with this knife at your throat"

im willing to bet the TV people will leave me the fuck alone, because if they want to come in they're going to need a search warrant, or some really good weed.